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There is an ongoing trend where keeping up with any sort of social connections, even as faint as DW, fall easily by the wayside. I might argue, for the sake of seeming a bit more like a normal human being, that it's because we have been insanely busy. And while that would be true, it is not the actual reason.

Honestly, it feels as if there is very little to offer out to the world at large. No point of view, no rant, no pleasant thought that does not feel like shouting into the void. Sometimes though, I think the void needs to be shouted at- and some things need to be written out to feel real.

((Also prefaced for brief talk about dysphoria/binding/packing.  If it bothers anyone, we can tag these entries))

It has been... a very strangely busy couple of weeks/months. We're going up to the barn now five days a week to power-muck stalls and water horses- snatching handfuls of grass in between to bribe them into allowing face pets- and while it was something I swore we would not get sucked into, it's been surprisingly... pleasant.

It's hard work, and more important it's necessary. Things that are hard work and a choice are much easier to put off and ignore. So hard work, for a good cause, it's been good- and might result in arms a bit more toned than limp noodles.

As if that's not enough, the person up there we adore beyond worlds is the owner's mother. She messed up her knee, and is still stubborn enough to try and do the work she was doing before with the rescue dogs. So a very productive ten minutes was spent arguing with her into agreeing to let US to it instead- picking their kennels every day, and scrubbing them out twice a week.

... and this is how it all gets away from me. I started this post to talk about, of all things, dysphoria and it's weirdness, and instead I'm talking about horses and dogs that only slightly tie in.

All right. Let's try this again.

I've been enjoying the work at the barn, as much as I bemoan being exhausted and sore later, and so it was really strange to feel- really, really off one of the days. Emotional for no reason some moments, and really disconnected the others. We all had to take turns yanking back from staring off into the distance without actually... thinking anything. Eye contact was impossible, and clue of all clues-

I crawled back into a t-shirt (over top of the tanktop/built-in bra combo that's the daily shirt at the barn). It was hot and I was soaked, but it was better than being in the tank when the other volunteer showed up.

It was a little better at home, because things are always better when it's just us and Them. Nothing to ever feel self-conscious about, nothing to need to hide, but damn this just is just so damn a-

Oh.

Oh well. That hasn't happened for a while.

It's not waking up and hating the shapes on the body, though it gets a good regular grumbling at this point- that really annoying coworker you hate but can't do anything about- it's all the other ways it can sneak up and just- ruin my day until I realize.

Low level depression.

Lack of motivation, lack of self-care, lack of mirrors, lack of anything that means having to focus on myself for ten minutes. Lack of interaction with anyone not Them because it's just too hard to have /thoughts/-

The list seems endlessly creative and just as annoying. So why not bind/pack everyday and hopefully skip that mess?

Some days it isn't worth the trouble. Work will always call me She no matter what. I'll struggle with my voice pitch on the phone because 'friendly' translates automatically into 'higher pitched and cheerful' for our work brain, packing means at some point you're taking it /off/ which is-
This is getting away again.

I think the point was that the things we all struggle with every day can seem small and manageable some days/weeks/months- and utterly consume us on others. Don't be afraid to do what you have to treat them, or reach out for support. It's not 'small', it's not 'pathetic' to have issues that sometimes peak out. No more pathetic than carrying around 75 pounds for weeks, and occasionally finding you have to set it down or catch your breath.

Look for the weights when you're feeling overwhelmed, and figure out how to take a break. It's important.

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impossiblemyth

October 2015

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